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Thursday, December 24, 2009

the night before Christmas

As I sit here in my dark living room, staring at the multi-colored lights of our Christmas tree, all I can do is cry.  I've had a good day.  Don't get me wrong.  It's only Christmas Eve and I've already been blessed with lots of presents and wonderful time spent with family.

Maybe it's because I'm over tired.  Maybe it's crashing from the massive caffeine high of the day.  Maybe it's the fact that John just left for work and I'm alone for the night.  Maybe it's just all the emotions and stress of Christmas getting to me.

But I know it's not.

It's the fact that right now, there should be a 5 month old baby sleeping in the other room.  Or maybe crying.  Maybe needing a bottle or a diaper change.  It should be my baby's first Christmas tomorrow.  Maybe there would be a special ornament to commemorate 'Baby's First Christmas 2009.'  For sure there would be lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles. 

Not only that, but I also should be 3 and a half months pregnant.  Over the morning sickness, past the worry of the first trimester.  Beginning to plan the nursery and maybe starting to wear maternity clothes. 

Sorry to be a downer, for anyone reading this.  But I'm just so sad right now I can hardly stand it.  The tears just won't stop.  I guess this time of year makes it harder.  I hate to say it, but I just want Christmas to be over.  I'm afraid that tomorrow, as my beautiful niece is celebrating her first Christmas, I'm not going to be able to hold myself together.  And I know my family understands.  But who wants to have to have an emotional basketcase bawling all over Christmas?

I feel like here I am, again, the exact same place I was last year at this time.  Spinning my wheels, not getting anywhere while the rest of the world keeps going.  Families are growing, but not mine.  The only thing I've ever truly desired has been given, then taken away.  Not once, but twiceI don't understand

Last year, I embraced the beginning of a new year with open arms, ready to put 2008 far, far behind me.  Now I face 2010 with dread.  Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I feel.  Like if I dare to be hopeful again, I'm just in for more heartache and pain.  Because truly, right now, my heart is breaking.  Over and over and over again.


D.E.B. said...

I didn't know you went through this twice!!! I am so sorry. You have every right to feel this way and to cry and to feel sad. I dont know the right words to say but I do know that I can pray for you in everyway and hope that the new year brings you much joy. and your life and heart are filled with the one gift you are longing for.

Anonymous said...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”