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Sunday, March 15, 2009

no words suffice

I know, I haven't blogged in half of forever. Or maybe it's more like a few weeks. I've been meaning to, really I have. But this past week has left me crying instead of talking or blogging. We got the news we were hoping we wouldn't get. Caleb was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, type 2. It's a genetic disorder/disease. You can google it if you want, I'm not giving the low-down blow-by-blow here. Reading it for myself left me feeling physically, spiritually and emotionally drained. I cried my way through webpages documenting symptoms and real-life stories.

Needless to say, I'm having a hard time with this. Our whole family is. There are some moments when all I can do is cry. Especially when I'm listening to music or looking at pictures. There are other moments when I feel better and find myself thinking positively about what the future could hold for Caleb, regardless of whether God chooses to heal him or not. One thing I'm having the most difficulty with is believing and accepting at the same time. I feel like if I accept that Caleb has SMA, and move forward in that thinking, I'm not believing God will heal him. But if I close my eyes to the diagnosis, and only focus on "God will heal him!" then I'm in denial, and what good will that do for Caleb?

This is the conclusion I've come to. We can only deal with what we've been given right now, this day. Today, the doctor's say Caleb's genetic code diagnoses him with SMA. I need to move forward with that, make myself knowledgable about it, sign petitions funding research, donate to charities whose goal is to find a cure. At the same time, I continue to lay Caleb before God everyday, begging for a miracle in his life. Whether that miracle comes through a miraculous, can't-be-explained healing, or through a cure being found in his lifetime. I have faith that God will heal his little, perfect body.

The following is an excerpt from a Chris Tomlin song I've been hearing alot on the radio lately. It almost always makes me cry. It amazes me that even though I have my really bad moments, I really do have a peace (most of the time!) and I can say, it is well. God is still God, Heaven is still my eternal home.

"There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul, I can say, it is well
Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won, He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings, before my God, fall on my knees
and rise....I will rise."

Please continue to pray with us for Caleb. My God is mighty to save...and if He can save a person from hell, doing a little genetic code-rearranging is nothing. :) Please pray for Dave and Amy as well. It's hard to imagine anyone experiencing this worse than I am...but I know they are. They're Mommy & Daddy, and I just can't imagine the pain they're dealing with. Thank you so much for your prayers. I'll post his carepage again in case anyone is interested in keeping up-to-date.