What Would Have Been

Sometimes life is busy.  Hours go by and I don't have time to think about my life and how it's been turning out lately.  Sometimes there are too many other things to worry about.  Sometimes my mind and heart are on other people and their pain and struggles.  Sometimes I can not be totally self-absorbed.

But then there are times, when it's quiet and I'm alone, that I reflect on what might have been.  Or times when John and I are having a conversation and I can't help but point out how different things would be if only...

Like today.  John and I go back and forth over whether we'll have 3 (John's idea) or 4 (my preference) kids.  I was mentioning to him how I can't imagine wanting only 1.  Some people do, I know, and that's fine.  But I can't imagine it.  John said 1 would be fine for him.  I think he was just saying it to get me going.  I said, "One!  If things had gone according to how they should have gone, we'd have 2 kids by this June!" 

This is a fact I've thought about before, but not for awhile, I guess.  Maybe because it hurts to think about what I don't have.  Maybe because dwelling on what should have been doesn't change the present.  Maybe because reliving the pain in my past only makes me more terrified to look toward the future.

But the fact remains: If my pregnancies had gone to term, I would have a 9 month old right now, and I'd be over 6 months pregnant.  Some people may consider that crazy.  Not me.  I'd gladly take the craziness, the sleepless nights, the many feedings and 2 children under the age of 1. 

Another thing that came to my mind today was that if I don't get pregnant soon, I'll be turning 30 without having any kids.  Not a big deal to some, I know.  But babies are something I've wanted my whole life.  I spend my days taking care of other people's kids.  I want nothing more than to be able to spend my days taking care of my own kids. 

So I continue to pray and hold fast to the promise that God will grant me the desires of my heart.  I have to believe that these longings, which are so strong, God will fulfill.  I have to have hope.  :)