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Friday, March 12, 2010

Hope Hurts

This is a realization I've come to.  Hope hurts.  It's easier to put up a wall of distrust around yourself.  Hope hurts.  It's more manageable to give in to the supposed "reality" and just give up trying.  Hope hurts.  It's so much less painful to give up any hope, so as not to be slammed in the gut when all you've hoped for comes crashing down around you.  Hope hurts.

I've seen and experienced this is many ways.  Personally, for myself, I've experienced it in 2 major ways.  First, my 2 pregnancies.  There is such hope present when you find out you're going to have a baby.  To have that dashed not once, but twice, leaves me hurting.  The hope I have for another pregnancy, one that will result in bringing a baby home with me, is tough.  That's not to say it's not is!  But it's painful to hope so hard for something that feels so out of reach.  The second way I experience painful hope is in just trying to get pregnant.  Month after month, hoping, praying, only to not get what I want.  It's hard to continue hoping.  It seems like it would be so much easier to just say forget it.  Then I wouldn't have that painful hope around every bend.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone but me. 

I also experience painful hope in regards to my nephew, Caleb.  It's hard for me to explain, and I don't want this to come out wrong.  I guess I'll just say that I cry so many tears, wishing things were different.  I maintain such strong hope for Caleb: hope for healing, hope for a cure, hope for walking, hope for strength.  But I believe it is this hope that keeps my heart so open and raw where Caleb is concerned.  It's the hope that causes the deep hurt.  Rarely do I have a car ride where I'm not moved to tears by a song on the radio.  But for some reason it's easier (even though it's so painful) to embrace the hurt when it concerns Caleb.  I think the hurt is worse, but for some reason it's easier for me to hope for Caleb rather than myself.

This is all not to say that I'm giving up hope.  I'm not.  But it hit me like an epiphany the other day: The reason certain things are so painful is because I have hope.  If I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt.  If my hopes weren't raised, I couldn't be let down.  And while some times I feel like I'd rather live that way, it's not true.  So I'll keep the hope.  I'll smile through the tears.  And I'll never stop praying.


Scotto said...

You hit it perfect when you said "If I didn't care, it wouldn't hurt."

Lynn said...

Yup. When I wrote that I thought...maybe I should just erase everything else and leave that??? lol...