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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Five Percent

Five percent of babies are born on their due date. If I was one of those lucky 5%, I would be delivering my baby today. But I'm not. If I was one of those lucky 5% I would have a nursery set up to go with a crib, changing table and lots of tiny clothes. But I don't. If I was one of those lucky 5%, my house would be overtaken with baby things: stroller, swing, highchair and bassinet. But it's not.

Instead, I'm left with an emptiness. I'll never forget that day...the most wonderful day when I found out I was pregnant. Our 2 year anniversary! It was just too perfect. I'll never forget the look on John's face when he saw "pregnant" spelled out on the test. I'll never forget telling our parents that I was expecting. I'll never forget the gifts and well-wishes I had already received.

I'll also never forget the day...when I was bleeding too much. When I couldn't stop crying, even in my boss's office. When I had to drive myself to the dr, to the hospital, back to the dr, then back to the hospital again. I'll never forget my family, rushing from all over the state practically to be with me. I'll never, ever forget the dreaded words of that day...ectopic, emergency, surgery.

The if only's cloud my vision. If only my baby had implanted in the right place. If only I was still carrying my little one. If only I could reverse time and go back and do it over...maybe it would work out better this time. And of course, if only I was pregnant again. Maybe then this would be easier.

By 9am this morning, I already was blessed by some very caring friends and family members. I have some beautiful things to remember my baby now. Not that I'd ever forget. But a visual reminder, although today makes me cry, will in the future (when I have kids running around and it's not a constant thought) be a gentle reminder of what I have waiting for me. Because I know for a fact that one day I'll hold my baby in heaven. Until then, I know she's in the company of a cousin and some good friends.

I've been holding in my tears for weeks now, looking towards today as my day to grieve. So this is the day. I'm allowing myself today to be miserable and sad. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I'll be ready to face the world again.

if only...

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