Search This Blog

Saturday, January 9, 2010

What Not to Wear, er, Say

There are times in life when people say the wrong thing.  It's not so difficult to be gracious and just think to yourself, "Well, they meant well."

However, there are times in life when the crap you're dealing with is enough to break you, and the well-intentioned comments that come may just be what sends you over the edge.

I hesitate to write this, because I don't want to seem ungrateful for the compassion and outpouring of love and prayer I've received over the past months.  I've been so grateful for each and every person

But honestly, before going through the loss of my pregnancies, I was probably that person.  The one who means well.  The one who cares.  The one who prays for comfort and wishes for the pain to go away.  The one who just wants to make it better for that person that is hurting.

But I would be unknowingly hurting the other person.

So, while I can't speak on other traumatic and heartbreaking situations in life, here are some things that are just hard to hear when someone is facing the loss of a baby.  Maybe you're someone who's always stuck not knowing what to say.  Stick with me till the end, there's one phrase that (for me) always helps!

"It just wasn't the right time."  Actually, it was.  I was pregnant.  And now I'm not.  It was the right time for me.

"Something better will come along."  Seriously? 

"When God closes a door, he opens a window."  Blah.  That is dumb and has nothing to do with losing a baby, or child.  I've heard it in referece to both.

"It wasn't God's time."  Duh.

"Just think of how you'll be able to help other people who go through this."  Okay, true enough.  That's already happened with me.  But, forgive me for being selfish, but I don't really care about helping other people when I'm in the midst of a miscarriage.  If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

"Now you have more time to prepare/save/spend time together before you have a baby."  (Big annoying buzzer sound here.)  Not the thing to say to someone whose only prayer is to have a baby!

"I'm praying for you."  Okay....this is the winner!  The only thing that, no matter what my mood is, I appreciate.  Because I know prayer is the only thing that gets me through!

And honestly, if someone asked you the right thing to say to a person experiencing the loss of a baby, there is no right answer.  Anything you say can be perceived as harsh, uncaring or unkind.  As if women aren't moody enough, throw in pregnancy hormones along with losing that baby.  It's a wonder we don't explode from all of it!

Again, a big thank you to anyone who's cared enough to send me a card, email or message.  To anyone who has gone out of their way to be sensitive, see how I'm feeling or tell me they're praying for me.  Thanks for the prayers, they're helping!!!


Scotto said...

Praying is really all we can do. That, we have some control over. I think a lot of times people don't know what to say but feel a need to say something so that's why some of the phases happen when in reality less might be more.

Lynn said...

I know. And like I said...I've been there, the one who doesn't know what to say. One good thing out of all this, is I understand that in many situations, certain words can hurt. Even if it's a Bible verse! (Don't know if you were at church on Sunday, but if not, you should definitely listen to the message online! Kind of along these lines, very 'coincidental', if you will) Haha...