The Innocence is Gone

I remember my sister-in-law telling me, at the beginning of my first pregnancy, that she felt bad.  She felt like their miscarriage had added to my worry and concern.  I had spotting basically the whole time I was pregnant, and she was the one I called with my concerns.  She was such an encouragement to me, and the first one to be at my side in the hospital when I had to have emergency surgery.  That, I think, was the first chip in the innocence armor.

The months after that, slipping by one by one, made even bigger dents in the innocence armor.  Without going into massive detail, it's just hard to sit there month after month, and not get pregnant.  Especially when it's the only thing you want.

With my second pregnancy I didn't have any of the fear I expected.  Not initially, atleast.  It was just pure joy.  It felt like my pregnancy innocence was back!  I had no worries, I ate well, I avoided caffeine and I got lots of rest.  I took my vitamins and drank lots of milk.  Unfortunately 3 bad ultrasounds and numerous blood draws later, the innocence was stripped away.  Feels like for good.

I want to be pregnant so bad.  But to be honest, I'm almost dreading it at the same time.  I feel like when I get a positive test, I'm going to be a mess of emotions.  Sure, there will be happiness.  But along with that, I expect I'll feel worry, dread, concern, sadness, hope and grief remembering the babies I've lost. 

I'm not a worrier, and I don't want to worry over any future pregnancies.  I truly hope I don't.  But that pregnancy innocence is just not there.  I feel jaded.  Kind of like, I'll believe it when I see it.  When that baby is home in my arms, maybe then it'll be real to me.  Until then, I'm trying to live by faith.  Trusting that God hasn't forgotten me and has an amazing plan for my life and our family.  Because I know it's true.