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Friday, August 20, 2010

How I feel...

Sometimes I'm surprised by how I feel.

Yes, there's a small part of me that is still fearful about this pregnancy.

But that's not what surprises me. 

What surprises me is the pain I still endure.  The hurt.  The heartache.

Knowing I have a healthy baby on the way should cure that.

Or so I thought.

But there's still this empty feeling, this ache.

Part of me just misses those babies.

And I wonder.

Will I feel like this forever?  Even when I'm holding my baby?

I'm thinking the pain will lessen.

But I don't really know.

There will always be something missing, I guess.


harmonysong said...

This baby doesn't replace your loss. This baby will enrich you life, for sure, but you will always have a connection with the babies you lost. Their lives will never be forgotten. And that is not a bad thing. As time passes, I your pain will ease, but I imagine it will always be present to some degree because their losses were significant.

D.E.B said...

I know it has to be hard for you now. This pregnancy will give you so many emotions. When you give birth the love and out pour of joy will be so great and amazing. Your other two babies will never be forgotten. You will always have them close in your heart. They can never be replaced.

Becca said...


Just popping over b/c I saw your blog on the sidebar of mine, due to the whole blogfrog thing (frogblog? I can never remember...). Anyway. I certaintly don't know your whole story, but I perused enough to see that you are expecting (congrats!) and a bit nervous due to previous losses. I've been there. I carried my daughter to term after a miscarriage, an ectopic, and 4 years of infertility... so I get it. I really do. The'll probably ebb and flow as you go through your pregnancy... it did for me. Randomly, I was more afraid the closer I got to my due date... it was almost like I couldn't believe it could actually happen. But it all faded the moment I held my newborn daughter in my arms. And it will, for you, too. Yes, sadness will always exist, of course. But your heart will heal a little more every day you spend with your new baby. Enjoy the moments. They go way too quickly. :)