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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Fear

Fear has become an ever-present aspect of my life, in just a few main ways.  I live constantly with the fear that I won't get pregnant.  Likewise, I live constantly with the fear that I will get pregnant.  And the fear that I may lose another baby.

Is fear a sin?  I don't know.  Does it mean I'm not trusting God?  I don't know.  I try.  I really do.  But obviously if fear is controlling so much of my life, I'm not trusting Him like I should be.

I'm here, once again facing a due date that should have been a happy occasion.  Once again just willing the day to pass so I can get on with my life.  I was going to keep this date underwraps.  To try and be strong and go through it, just John and me.  I don't even know if anyone knows the date, and that's the way I wanted it.

But trying to be strong when I'm not is dumb.  I don't want to need the support of others, but I need it nonetheless.  I don't want to have this day that only reminds me of what I don't have.  But the day will come, regardless.  Then a month later, I'll have another day, that should have been my first baby's first birthday.

The thunder and rain today fits my mood.

This is my 200th blog.  Some of those blogs were not posted because I kept them private.  But this is my 200th blog written.  I was trying to think of something fun to do, that's why I haven't posted in a few days.  But this is what's on my heart today, and I've got to get it out.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

~William Shakespeare

3 comments:

Crystal Light said...

I'm so sorry that the calendar wouldn't skip over this grief filled day for you. You and John are in my thoughts today.

Lynn said...

It's a few days away...but thank you!!

Melissa G. said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. Know you're not alone. I've lost two. Don't close yourself off from others. Their support can help, even though you don't want to need it. It's ok to need it. Don't lose hope.