What Could Have, Should Have, Would Have Been...

Oh, what this post could have been. It could have been happy, upbeat, exciting and full of hope. It should have been all that, and more. It would have been all those things, if only life went according to plan. My plan. Unfortunately for me (even though I know it's really fortunately, in the long run) God's plan isn't always aligned with my plan. Or, should I say, my plan isn't always aligned with God's plan.

We find ourselves now, for the second year in a row, entering into the holiday season suffering from the loss of a baby. Our second baby. We now have 2 children in heaven. Even as I write this, I find it hard to grasp. Even as we've been going through this for the past several weeks, I kept thinking to myself, "There's no way. God won't ask this much of me. There's just no way I'll have to give up another child." As if the choice were ours anyway.

I have many unposted posts. Beginning on October 3rd when I had my first positive pregnancy test. I may post those blogs at some point. They show the joy and happiness we had at the beginning of this journey. It was kind of a downward spiral, filled with ultrasounds that gave unclear answers, blood work that give distressing news and lots of nausea.

I've known for over a week that this pregnancy was not going to last. I've known, in my heart, for even longer than that. But today, when I would have been 10 weeks and 1 day, my miscarriage began. It sucks. There really aren't any other words. At some moments I can be positive. At others, I just cry and think about how much I hate this situation. Sometimes it feels like all hope has vanished, and other times I rest in the knowledge that God does have great plans for us.

Thank you to those of you who have known our situation and have been praying for me and my baby. Thank you to those who didn't know, but were praying anyway. I firmly believe that the only way we can get through this, same as last time, is to have people praying for us.