Giving Thanks

I've decided that I have a lot to be thankful for. Even though this past week has been the most tragic week of my life, so many other people have it much worse than us. This child being taken from us, for whatever reason, is the worst thing that has happened to us. But in the midst of heartache I have found so much to be thankful for.

My husband is the best in the world. Even before we knew what was wrong, John managed to get a couple hours off in the middle of the day to drive down for the ultrasound. He had to turn around and go straight back to work, only to leave again an hour later, or so. He walked with me down to the OR and kissed me and told me it would all be ok. He brought clothes to the hospital for me to go home in. He took care of the baby gifts I had already received so they weren't sitting right on the table when I got home from the hospital. He spent the night at the hospital with me, being woken up every time they had to take my vitals or bring me to the bathroom...or fix my annoying beeping machine. He took Wednesday off, no pay, to take care of me all day. He got my meds, bought me soup, and got my mylanta. :) He encouraged me to still go to the Taylor's, and checks on me often just to see if I need anything. I'm so happy that I'm married to John. I'm not happy we had to go through this, but there's no one I'd rather go through this with that him. I am so thankful for him.

I have a family that loves me and would sacrifice anything to be with me when I need them. I am so thankful for them. They dropped everything they were doing, literally at the second they heard what was going on, and rushed to my side. Each time someone arrived in my room I started crying again, partly because they all were crying, partly because I was sad about losing my baby, but mostly because it touched me to know how much they cared. They prayed for and with me, they visited me, they brought me flowers, meals, cookies and more. I am so thankful for my family.

I also have great friends. :) When I had been home from the hospital for a little while the phone rang and the called ID came up on the TV screen: Liscom. I immediately started crying and debated for a second not answering because I was crying, but I did anyway. After I said "hello" in a weepy voice I waited only to hear sniffling on the other end. (Sorry to bust you, Jame:) I'm so glad to have people that will call even when they don't know what to say, even when it might be awkward, but just because they love me and want me to know it. And to know that Jess was praying for me early in the day, when she found out I'd left work. She didn't even know the reason, but knew to pray. And today, I spent the morning at the Taylor's house. I had been planning on having breakfast there with Sarah since our husbands were working today. I'm glad I still ended up going. They're friends who are more like family, and I can be myself around them and know that they just care about me and love me. We sat around after breakfast playing games, I laid on the floor for awhile, just hung out. I'm so thankful for their hospitality and caring.

I'm very thankful for my job. It can be stressful, but I have a great boss who was understanding and flexible when I had to leave right away for the doctor. I've cried in her office more than once, and she's always very caring. I got a beautiful flower arrangement the day after my surgery from work, and it was so sweet of them. I also know that they're all praying for me, and I know every prayer on our behalf is helping us cope.

I'm thankful for my dog. She has been so sweet...almost like she can tell something is wrong and that I'm not 100%. It helps to have a soft furry dog to pet when I'm feeling sad.

I'm thankful for the peace I have that can only come from God. I don't understand why this happened, but I don't have to understand. Life doesn't always make sense. I just have to take what's happened and move on, a stronger person. If this situation allows me to help even one person who may go through this after me, than it's worth the pain.

There's a lot more I'm thankful for, but I'm tired. So I'm thankful for my bed, and that I can go lay down and not get up until....whenever I want. I'm a little sore tonight, probably from doing too much today. I've had horrible pain in my shoulder from where the carbon dioxide settled after the surgery. My incisions are hurting a little too, but the drugs help. Soon I'll be back on my feet and my only reminders will be tiny scars and empty arms. I pray that God will bless us again soon, because I want a baby so bad.

Thank you, if you've actually read this whole thing. I think I'm tending to ramble a lot now. One more thing I'm thankful for: people who have gone through this before and understand exactly what it's like. Even though every situation is different, losing a baby is hard no matter what. There are no more words. It's hard. It will continue to be hard. Somehow, we'll get through this.

Worse than I could have thought

John thinks I'm crazy for getting online (myspace, facebook, blog) but I just want everyone to know exactly what's going on, so maybe I'll have less questions to answer.

Because of increased bleeding I called the doctor Tuesday morning, requesting to be seen as soon as possible. I got a 10:45 appointment. They did a pregnancy test, which was positive, of course (I think that's the 7th one I had...). She checked me out and sent me for an ultrasound and 3 days of bloodwork, Tuesday, Wednesday & Friday. So I went from the doctor's office to Bellevue for the ultrasound. I somewhat knew what to look for on an early ultrasound, and didn't see what I wanted to see. Of course, the tech's can't discuss it with you. So after it was done the tech said to stick around for awhile so someone could discuss the results with me, instead of going to get bloodwork right away. I thought that was a bad sign. I waited for awhile, and then the tech came back and said my doctor wanted to see me back at the office. Bad sign again.

I went back to the doctors to receive the horrible news that I had an ectopic pregnancy. I never expected this in a million years. I have done my fair share of pregnancy reading, so I knew exactly what it was, and what the outcome would be. I really didn't experience any pain, so I was taken by surprise. After waiting for an hour after receiving this news, the main doctor showed up to discuss it with me in more detail. She explained it was on my left side, even though the egg was released from the right side. Apparently it was a girl, because she had a very bad sense of direction. :) Cruised right past the uterus to the left tube. Crazy kid. Then she proceeded to ask me when I had last eaten, and that surgery was really my only option, which I knew. Didn't realize it would be so fast though! I drove myself from the doctor's office, back to Bellevue (calling John, my parents and Amy on the way). Amy asked if I wanted her to come since John had to travel an hour from work and my parents were coming from Indian Lake. I said no, not to worry, cause she had the kids and everything. Well once I got registered and settled into a bed a couple nurses came in followed by Amy! I was so glad to see a familiar face and have someone next to me to hold my hand. My sisters and John got there not too long after. Then my in-laws came. I'm so grateful to have so much family to care for me. Before I went into surgery Amy prayed for me. She also reminded me that my baby was meeting her cousin in Heaven. I hadn't thought of that yet. Dave and Amy lost a baby several years ago, so now they're partying up in Heaven, waiting to meet us someday. I'm glad they have each other.

My parents arrived immediately before I went for surgery. Dad only got stopped once on the way down. :) I was able to hug them both, then John went with me down to the OR. He couldn't actually go in, so we said goodbye outside the doors. I talked to the anesthesia guy...don't know if I spelled that right. He discussed what he was going to do. Then I got onto the table and they started prepping me with tight socks all the way to my knees and IV drips. I remember Dr. McCarthy coming in and saying hi, and the anesthesia dude saying soon the ceiling would start spinning. I looked up and it wasn't spinning. That's the last thing I remember.

Next thing I remember...mean people trying to pull me out of a lovely deep sleep. I did NOT want to wake up. But eventually I did. I remember my Mom and John being there, and someone told me that 4 people had to hold me down at one point. Maybe I was being combative...I don't know. Then I woke up again and my Dad was there, then Pastor Jim came. Soon after that I got to go to my room! I shimmied onto my bed and got situated, then the family came in. They left at some point...my times are a little confused I think. Then John spent the night with me. I was woken up a few times for vitals, IV refills and bathroom breaks. I got a bagel and coffee for breakfast, then got to come home.

Now I'm sitting here...not by myself, so I'm okay. Christine and John are with me, I got to talk to Jamie on the phone, and my parents should be here soon. I go back and forth emotionally. I know there was no other option, but I'm so sad. I'm sure I will be for awhile. I'm out of work through next week. Please pray for me, physically and emotionally. I know this is going to be a rollercoaster ride over the next weeks. God's plans are best, even when we don't understand them. Hopefully I'll be posting about a new pregnancy in the near future!

Once, Twice, Three times a baby!

One test wasn't enough to prove it to myself. Or my hubby. But it's for real! I decided to take a test on the morning of our anniversary, November 10th. Boy, was I shocked when it came back positive! It was the longest day of my life while I waited for John to get home from work. I wrapped up the digital test that said "Pregnant" and gave it to John with the other gifts I'd gotten him. He was so surprised! Then we both just kind of sat there in shock! We waited until yesterday to tell our family, so now the secret's out. Can't keep something that exciting a secret for long! This grandbaby will be the 4th on my side, and the 1st on John's! Our parents are all very excited.

I'm figuring my due date to be around July 18th. Yay, a hot summer pregnancy. :) That's ok. I'm just so happy to be having a baby! It actually doesn't feel real right now. Except when I'm feeling extra queasy, which seems to be mainly in the afternoon and at night. Our baby will be 4 months younger than Christine's baby girl due in March, 1 year younger than Zachary and about 2 1/2 years younger than Caleb! I'm excited that they'll all be close...and I'm sure there will be many more babies to come. :)

PS> I also took 2 more tests after those 3. :) I like to be positive.

Two Years

Two years ago today...was the best day of my life. :) It's so hard to believe that it's been 2 years since John and I got married. In some ways it feels like it was such a short time ago. But then it also feels like we've always been married. It's hard to remember what it was like before. John makes me so happy and is the best provider and partner I could ask for!

We had a fun night of shopping for work-out clothes. :) John's employer gives him an allowance he can use for that, so he bought some new sneakers and stuff for working out. There's also a nice gym at work that he can use, as well as the one at his firehouse. After that, we ordered from Marino's, the best restaurant in Schenectady. John had a chicken parm dinner and I had an antipasta. Yum! Now we're watching some shows we had DVR'd and just enjoying the evening.

Yesterday my parents had Eliel and his wife Heliani over for lunch. Actually, they're staying with them for a few days. Eliel is an interpreter that has worked with my parents in Brazil for years. Finally they made it here to the US for our church's Missions Conference. So we had a fun meal yesterday, just enjoying the company. It was great to finally meet them, as my parents go on and on about them every year when they return from Brazil!

My lovely 3-day weekend is coming to a close. Back to work tomorrow. I always begin the weekend with such high aspirations for what I will accomplish. Then I end the weekend thinking about what I didn't get done. But I did get some stuff done this weekend. I did all the laundry and all the dishes are caught up on. I vacuumed, did some dusting and...that's about it. I need to go clean the toilet before I go to bed.

here we go...

To blog, or not to blog. That was my question. Obviously, I chose the first option, since here I am. I'm an avid blog stalker. It began this past Christmas when a friend's Christmas card suggesting keeping up-to-date with the family by visiting their blog. (Thanks, Kristen!) So I was keeping up with the Miles for awhile. Then I started reading her favorite blogs, and I was hooked! I don't feel like I have quite the interesting life that will keep people coming back for more...but we'll see.

Nothing too interesting has been going on at our house lately. Same old, same old. Well, Zoe did celebrate her 5th birthday this past week. We can't believe our 'baby' is growing up so fast. :) John was out of town at a fire investigation class for her birthday, so my mother-in-law came over with some gifts, and I gave her a celebratory Frosty Paws before bed. Frosty Paws are doggy ice cream treats that she LOVES!

This is a picture of John and Zoe this past spring.

She's such a good dog, and loves people. She loves kids too, and is so sweet and gentle with them. After she's done licking and sniffing them, that is. My oldest nephew Caleb loves her, and one day when I was watching him, he spent about 10 minutes throwing a ball to Zoe! She was in her glory, all the attention.

Well, since it's Saturday and John is working I suppose I should do some laundry, dishes and cleaning. The stuff that doesn't really get done during the week. I'll leave you with a Cunniff family photo that we took at Sarah's birthday party. With so many police, fire and other emergency personnel in our family, it was amazing to get everyone in one place at one time! It doesn't happen often! This picture includes my parents; my brother, his wife and their 2 boys; my sisters and their husbands; and of course, John & I!