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Monday, August 20, 2012

the stairs

Our upstairs is basically unused.  Except for storage.  There are 2 bedrooms and a half bath up there, but we don't use them.  All we do is store stuff.  There are 2 twin-sized beds upstairs.  Lots and lots of blankets.  Christmas stuff.  Baby stuff.  Diamond Dogs stuff.  Craft and sewing stuff.  Holiday/seasonal stuff.  Computer printer, desk, extra kitchen stuff, pictures, cards (I rarely throw one out) lots of's a mess.

And the stairs leading up there?  Well, if I have something that needs to go up, it gets put on the stairs.  There's a door, so I just close it.  And the stairs accumulate more, and more, and, well, you can probably picture it.  Are you picturing it?  Picture it worse.  It was really bad.  So today I tackled it, and it honestly didn't take me too long.

There was lots of stuff on the stairs.  Easter egg dying kits.  Christmas cards.  (For real!)  Random baby clothes.  Little paintbrushes.  Christmas ornaments.  Sudoku books.  A box of Q-Tips.  It was dangerous to try and climb them.  And with my fire fighter hubby...well, let's just say I know better than to let it get like that!

In the midst of all of this, I came across a stack of cards.  This stack of cards has been moved from place to place in our house, but I didn't realize they were on the stairs.  I knew right away when I saw them what they were.  I opened the first one.  It was a "Congratulations!  A new baby is on the way!" kind of card.  The date inscribed inside was November 2008.  The next card I opened was a condolence card.  With the same date written inside.  I considered just putting the stack aside and dealing with it later...but instead I grabbed the cards and sat down in the living room.

I read through each one of those cards.  Some congraulations, but most condolence.  My first pregnancy, ending because it was ectopic.  I was surprised at the range of people that sent me cards.  Everyone from family, to friends, to church family, to co-workers, to parents from Pineview...sharing in my sorrow, believing and hoping for the future, offering a shoulder to cry on, sharing their own stories of loss.  I cried through most of them.

Even though the losses I suffered have most definitely been soothed by having JJ here to love and hold, there are times when I cry.  Times when I just sit and mourn.  You see, even though it has made it easier, it's also made it harder.  Because now I know.  I'm experiencing life with JJ, and I know what I'm missing out on with my other babies.  So every once in awhile, I give in to those emotions and I just cry. 

I can't believe it's been almost 4 years.  It doesn't seem possible.  But God has been faithful, and He does keep His promises!


Caroline Bly said...

Thank you for sharing your hurts and your heart. May God continue to bless you and continue to sooth your soul during these times. You are truly a blessing to so many others by the life you are living and these hurts and blessings that you share.

Heather said...

As we remember our little angels in Heaven we are also reminded of Gods love, His promises, His plan. As I hold my girls I see His plan now. When I was mourning the loses it was hard to see. Thank you for sharing your heart Lynn. I know why I was directed to your blog. I bookmarked it and today it opened. During this month of October it is pregnancy infant loss...I have really been thinking and praying for my angels a lot recently.