Death

Death is a loss unlike any other.

It's not a "door closed, window open" kind of thing. There's no silver lining ahead. Life is not going to offer something better because we've lost Dave.

Houses can be rebuilt. New jobs can be acquired. A lousy break up can ultimately lead you to someone better.

But there's no new brother that will magically appear and fill the spot that is now permanently empty in my family. There's no bright side for parents who have lost their only son. How does a wife face a future without her soulmate?  And there's nothing good to be said about 2 boys who will barely even remember their Daddy.

My brother was 35. Only 2 years older than me. He'd done so much already, but still had so much more to do. I don't think I'll ever understand.

My big brother

 

 

This picture was taken before my wedding ceremony.  Dave played and sang for us, "The Other Side of Me."  The song is definitely made for a husband and wife, but there are parts that I know apply to how I feel right now, as well as the rest of my family:

 

"I have know the emptiness

of feeling out of touch

And living life without you here

would be living half as much

Cause I've a need that only you can fill."

 

My brother was, hands-down, the funniest person ever.  Everything was fun if Dave was there.  He was always telling a joke, or a funny work story.  He loved to make fun of his sisters, and we loved being the subject of his joking around! 

 

There will be a constant hole in our family. 

 

There will always be a "what could have been..." feeling in my heart.

 

I know that my brother is in heaven.  He believed that Jesus died for him.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  Our family reunion will be in heaven.  But it still hurts so much.

 

There are many times that this still feels unreal to me.  I see a picture of Dave and think, there's no way he's not really here.  It's just so hard to fathom that he's really gone, and gone forever.  No more tomorrows here on earth. 

 

So now we pick up the pieces and we try to carry on.

 

And we continue to believe that God is good, even when life is so unbearably hard.

 





1978-2013

My brother and my son, playing the guitar together.

 

 

On Monday, December 16, 2013, my brother was in an accident while working as a State Trooper on the NYS Thruway. 

 

He died the next day due to his injuries.

 

I have a lot I want to say about it.  Many things floating around in my head.  But I can't really get them out right now.

 

So for now, this is it.  I still have a hard time believing it's real.

mishmash

• sometimes September feels quite a bit like January to me...a fresh start, new goals, exciting ideas to tackle...I suppose this comes from working a job with a September-August calendar.
• potty training...isn't happening yet.  the potty and underwear have been purchased.  somebody needs to get on the ball.  *cough*JJ*cough*
• grace.  given to me.  how can I not then turn and give it myself?
• sometimes rising early is worth it for the quiet and peace.
• positivity breeds positivity.  and I love positivity.
• sometimes it scares me to think of the world my child is growing up in.  when I feel that way, I stop and pray.  I pray that he will be kind.  that he will be good.  and that he will always put Jesus first.
• cicadas are gross and I'm glad they hide for 17 years.  and they can continue to live while missing most of their body.  don't ask me how I know this.
• the end.

photo of the summer!

where did this big boy come from?!?

.time for bed.

This is the part where I say, Wow, what a bad blogger I am!  I can't believe it's been 6 months since I last posted!  Now I'm turning over a new leaf, yada, yada, yada...)

Best time of day for me?  Reading to and rocking with JJ before bed.  Especially lately - he's turned into quite the little snuggler!  There are a few books we vary between, but almost always in the mix is Time for Bed.

(I'm trying to add a link here but it's not working.  Boo.)

Hey!  There it is!  Affiliate link, ya'll.  My first one.

 

Anyway, this book, always in the line up.  Very simple - each page is a different animal, a Mom and Baby, talking about how it's time for bed.  ("It's time for bed little mouse little mouse, darkness is falling all over the house.")

 

He's always liked the book, points out the moon, the stars, makes the animals noises.  But lately he's started doing the cutest thing.  When we turn each page he quickly points to the bigger of the 2 animals and says, "Mama!"  I say, "Yes, that's the Mama (insert animal here)."  He then quickly points to the smaller animal and says, "JJ!"  I then say, "Yes, that's the JJ!"  It is too adorable and something I never want to forget.  I also never want to forget the way he turns around on my lap when book time is over and snuggles in for some rocking time.  Sometimes I sing, sometimes it's quiet, sometimes I talk about what we did that day.  Special times. 

warranty

Just had to buy a new hair straightener.  I swear, I buy one at least every year.  This time, one side stopped heating up.  Come to find out, that really makes a difference in how well it straightens hair.  Who knew?  Anyway, this time I paid $5 to get the extended warranty which lasts 2 years.  I figure if I buy it, I probably won't have to use it.  But it's there if I need it!

 

I'm about to eat some deep-fried mozzarella sticks for lunch.  There's one New Year's resolution out the window.  I might follow that up with some frozen Heath bars.  I'm also not jumping into my upstairs cleaning like I wanted to.  Resolution number 2, not going as I had anticipated!  Maybe I'll be in the mood after the junk food.

 

JJ's in bed with a fever.  Hoping it's short-lived. 

 

Got a car wash today.  The car looks great.  Found out JJ doesn't like car washes so much.

 

Ahh, I smell the grease calling.  Happy Friday.

 

 

Chicken Bacon YUM!

I should have taken a picture.

 

But it was too yummy to pause for even a moment. 

 

I found the general idea here and just tweaked it a bit for quantity, mostly.  And my picky hubby.  Here's what to do:

 

Fry up about 6 slices of bacon.  Or 10 if you feel like snacking.  Once the bacon is done, remove it from the pan and dump out the grease.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT wipe or wash out the pan.  Just don't.

 

Into the bacon-y pan add 1 tablespoon of butter and 1 tablespoon of olive oil.  Place 3 chicken breasts in there and cook on both sides until done.  Remove them from the pan and place them in an ungreased baking dish. 

 

Into the bacon-y and now chicken-y pan (you haven't removed anything after the chicken, right?!) add 1/4 of an onion, grated and about 1 and a half teaspoons of garlic...2 cloves?  I was working from a jar.  Cook the onion and garlic a few minutes then crumble in the bacon strips. 

 

Spoon the bacon/onion/garlic mixture onto each of the chicken breasts, then sprinkle with cheddar cheese.  Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes.

 

Your taste buds will thank you!

 



Grace in Parenting

Grace in parenting.

 

Even though I've been caring for children for years, I've only been a parent for about 21 months.  And 7 days.  But who's counting?  Anyway, the experience I had definitely prepared me for being a Mom, but being "The Mom" is a whole 'nother ballgame.  Any parent will tell you it's about making mistakes as you go.  You pray, you learn, you try, you mess up, you get up tomorrow and try again.  They don't, as the saying goes, come with instruction manuals.

 

But I've really been thinking a lot about being a parent, and how God 'parents' us.  I'm the type who wants to speak and have immediate obedience.  No excuses, no tardiness, I say it, you do it.  And I do think it's important to have obedient children.  But let's stop and think a second.  If God is our Father, as an example of how we should parent...are we really reflecting the characteristics that he is showing to us? 

 

God gives us such grace.  He understand that we're going to mess up.  He allows us to make mistakes and learn from them, if it's what we choose to do.  He wants what's best for us, but isn't rude or condescending when we make a bad choice. 

 

What would this world be like if we treated our children the way God treats us? 

 

This isn't really something I have perfected.  Ha!  Like I said, I'm still basically a new parent.  The issues we've encountered so far won't hold a candle to the things we'll face in the years to come.  But this is something I'm going to think about a lot and try to put into practice.  Instead of my first reaction being something negative, I might give an extra chance.  Another option.  A hug instead of a swat.  Understanding instead of annoyance.

After all, where would I be without the grace God has given to me?

 



Super Who?

Super Why, that's who!

 

 

For Halloween JJ dressed as his favorite character from his favorite TV show, Super Why.

 

From Super Why, JJ has learned letters.  He can already identify i, Ee, N, Mm, Oo, Tt and Ss...maybe more, that's all I can think of right now!  It's seriously such a great show!

 

And he couldn't possibly be cuter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





sandy

As we brace for impact, this weekend is no doubt full of prep and battening down of hatches.  Whatever hatches are.  I'm definitely not high-strung when it comes to storms, flooding and power outages, but having a little one around changes things slightly.  And of course, being married to a volunteer fire chief means I could quite possibly be braving the storm solo.

 

So here's my little list of what you need, what needs to be done, basically just an exhaustive list of hurricane prep.  Seriously, if it's not on this list, forget about it.  You don't need it. 

 

• Water.  You've gotta have water for drinking, flushing and bathing.  So stick some bowls and buckets outside (or inside, if you have a leaky roof) and you'll be sure to collect plenty of water for these uses.
• Food.  If you're perchance trapped in the house for any period of time, you gotta eat!  Make sure you have plenty of candy on hand to keep your (and your kids!) energy up.  Chips, cookies and the like will also keep well and supply you with what your body needs.  Once you have all these staples, you could also stock up on fruit, vegetables, bread, peanut butter, canned food and other things...if you want. 
• Batteries.  Can you imagine being trapped in your house and the video games don't work?!  I know.  True nightmare.  Charge up the iPhones, iPads and iEverythings.  Make sure there are extra batteries for the laptop and DS.  It may even be worth it to go out and buy a generator so the PS3 and XBox will still be functioning.  If  you've got a little extra money, it may be a good idea to stock up on batteries for flashlights and radios.  But ya know...whatever.  Use your own judgement there.
• Battening of Hatches.  batten down the / one's hatches:

  a. Nautical . prepare for stormy weather: used as a command.

  b. to prepare to meet an emergency or face a great difficulty: The government must batten down its hatches before the election.  ----okay, there's the official definition of that phrase.  What does this mean to you?  It means you must update your will, make sure your house is spotless from top to bottom and cover any portholes that you may have with, um, battens.

 

And just by following these simple steps, you can be ensured of a grand old hurricane time.  Or you can do like I'm gonna and take the little one and head to your parents house.  They've been battening longer than I have.  I'm sure it's safer there.  :)

 

Stay safe, everyone!

 

 

 

sick

the house is trashed.

Yesterday I went downhill fast.  Faster as the day went on.  Throat hurting, lots of coughing, just generally feeling lousy.  I spent the evening on the couch, and somehow managed to make it in to the bedroom when it was time for bed.

 

Today I ran a couple necessary errands, then spent the rest of the day on the couch.  I'm so grateful for a very good little boy who is happy to just play.  He kept bringing toys over to me and just putting them next to me while I laid on the couch.  Love that kid.

 

John was home for dinner.  He picked up a pizza then had to go out tonight.  Once again, I assumed position on the couch and JJ just played around me.  He did funny stuff, did his cute little giggle and grin...we cuddled and watched Super Why, then he went to bed.

 

and the house is trashed.

 

maybe i'll clean it tomorrow.

 

if i make it off the couch.

 

 

boring days

Sometimes a boring day at home is just what you need.

 

My accomplishments today include washing dishes, vacuuming the living room and taking care of JJ. 

 

I know, I should really take it easy and try not to work so hard.

 

But today was John's day off and it's more fun to just hang out anyway.

And right now JJ is watching Super Why on Netflix. 

 

Sometimes a boring day at home is just what you need.

manners.

Manners are always of utmost importance at our house.  Above all else, you must always conduct yourself in a manner worthy of entertaining the most proper of the proper, even if that means the royal family itself.

 

 

 

Or not.



what I wish for most

You start off with dreams.  Ideas of who your child will be.  And despite what I may have wanted to admit, I'll admit the truth.  All I wanted was a healthy child, one without deformity or disability.  One that could make it easily through life.

 

When I think of my little boy in his school years, I'll be honest.  What I imagined for him was popularity.  Sports.  Smart enough to do well.  Handsome (of course!)  My main desire?  That he would fit in.  That he would have friends.  That he would be 'normal'. 

 

Things have changed since I've spent the past year and a half raising this boy.  I have changed.

 

Now what do I want for JJ? 

 

I want for him to be a friend.  A friend to everyone.  A friend to the friendless, the popular, the different, the outcast, the disabled, the friendly, the new kid, the shy kid, the jock.

 

I want for him to stand up.  To stand up for himself, for what he believes in, for those who can't stand up for themselves.  To speak for those who can't, or won't, even when it's not the popular thing to do.  To stand up to those doing wrong, not caring what they think of him. 

 

I want him to have compassion.  To not judge a person by their circumstances or their choices.  To really see the inner good in everyone.  To care, to love.  To ache over the hurt of others.

 

I want him to try.  Try and succeed, try and fail.  Either way is okay with me.  Just as long as it's not a life of mediocrity, scared to make an attempt.  I want him to take the leap, even if he's scared, even if the next step isn't clear.

 

........

 

I've been mulling over the "Be the change you want to see in the world" quote lately.  It can cross over to so many parts of our lives.  Be the change you want to see in your church.  Be the change you want to see in your family.  I'm well aware that who JJ is yet to become depends largely on what he sees and experiences.  Am I a friend?  Do I stand up for those who don't have a voice?  Do I live my life with compassion?  Am I willing to step out in faith and try, even when the pathway is shadowed and dim?

 

I don't have it all figured out yet.  Obviously.  But my prayers have changed.  I pray for JJ in new ways now.  I can only hope I'm doing what I need to in order to instill in him the things I desire to see.  Time will tell.  And I can't wait to see the boy and man he becomes.

Dinosaur Train

After an amazingly sucessful 5K/Walk N Roll today, it was out to dinner for us.  (Of course inbetween there it was also naptime for everyone, no exceptions!)  John decided on Dinosaur BBQ since we still hadn't been!

 

I want to go back.  The food was so good.  My particular favorite was their homemade ranch (I think) dipping sauce.  It actually came on JJ's plate, for his chicken fingers.  I swiped it for dipping my fries.  Oh, yum.  So good.  I want more.

 

One of JJ's latest things is dipping.  He likes to dip his fries and nuggets in ketchup now.  And he's actually pretty good about taking a bite of whatever he's eating, and not just licking the ketchup off.  Well about halfway through dinner, I look over and he's watching his big cousin dip her fingers in the ketchup and lick them off.  Next thing I know, he's doing the same thing.  Hilarious!  I said, "Livy, you're teaching JJ bad habits!"

 

A few minutes later, Olivia was scolded for something...I don't even remember what.  And what was her response to Mommy?  "But Mommy, I can't stop, I'm teaching JJ bad rabbits!"

 

Kids are hilarious.

 

And I don't know how often Dino BBQ has live music, but they did tonight.  The kids had a great time dancing and putting money in the guitar case for about 15 minutes!  The guy singing tonight...wish I could remember his name...he was really good!  Sang an original song (I Do was the name of it...I think) and I found myself singing along!  Definitely had great talent, hope he gets a big break!

the stairs

Our upstairs is basically unused.  Except for storage.  There are 2 bedrooms and a half bath up there, but we don't use them.  All we do is store stuff.  There are 2 twin-sized beds upstairs.  Lots and lots of blankets.  Christmas stuff.  Baby stuff.  Diamond Dogs stuff.  Craft and sewing stuff.  Holiday/seasonal stuff.  Computer printer, desk, extra kitchen stuff, pictures, cards (I rarely throw one out) lots of clothes...it's a mess.

And the stairs leading up there?  Well, if I have something that needs to go up, it gets put on the stairs.  There's a door, so I just close it.  And the stairs accumulate more, and more, and, well, you can probably picture it.  Are you picturing it?  Picture it worse.  It was really bad.  So today I tackled it, and it honestly didn't take me too long.

There was lots of stuff on the stairs.  Easter egg dying kits.  Christmas cards.  (For real!)  Random baby clothes.  Little paintbrushes.  Christmas ornaments.  Sudoku books.  A box of Q-Tips.  It was dangerous to try and climb them.  And with my fire fighter hubby...well, let's just say I know better than to let it get like that!

In the midst of all of this, I came across a stack of cards.  This stack of cards has been moved from place to place in our house, but I didn't realize they were on the stairs.  I knew right away when I saw them what they were.  I opened the first one.  It was a "Congratulations!  A new baby is on the way!" kind of card.  The date inscribed inside was November 2008.  The next card I opened was a condolence card.  With the same date written inside.  I considered just putting the stack aside and dealing with it later...but instead I grabbed the cards and sat down in the living room.

I read through each one of those cards.  Some congraulations, but most condolence.  My first pregnancy, ending because it was ectopic.  I was surprised at the range of people that sent me cards.  Everyone from family, to friends, to church family, to co-workers, to parents from Pineview...sharing in my sorrow, believing and hoping for the future, offering a shoulder to cry on, sharing their own stories of loss.  I cried through most of them.

Even though the losses I suffered have most definitely been soothed by having JJ here to love and hold, there are times when I cry.  Times when I just sit and mourn.  You see, even though it has made it easier, it's also made it harder.  Because now I know.  I'm experiencing life with JJ, and I know what I'm missing out on with my other babies.  So every once in awhile, I give in to those emotions and I just cry. 

I can't believe it's been almost 4 years.  It doesn't seem possible.  But God has been faithful, and He does keep His promises!

..a little update..

Time to write, but nothing to say.

Lots to say, but no time to write.

Seems to be the story of my life lately.  Deep thoughts escape me when I actually get the chance to sit down and type.  So here goes the superficial what's-been-goin'-on lowdown.

This little boy...

...yes, him.  He's pretty much the best ever.  We're quite smitten.  And we're definitely the 'our kid is the cutest, smartest, best kid ever' type of parents.  Lately he's been walking so fast he's almost running.  Especially when Daddy is chasing him!  He loves to play with toys, as well as anything that isn't a toy.  Trucks and balls are his favorite, and book reading has become a favorite as of late also.

Before bed JJ has a new routine, now that bottles are a thing of the past.  (He was still getting a nighttime bottle until just a little while ago...Mommy couldn't give it up:)  He gets a snack and drink, then brushes his teeth.  If it's a bath night, he gets a tubby.  Then into his pj's he goes.  We read a book together (always the same book) then he goes to bed.  Still has his binky at bedtime (and naptime) but I'm ok with that.  I'm thinking maybe at 18 months we'll try to give it up.  Or maybe not.

He's a picky, picky eater!!!  Very frustrating for me.  I try to do what I know I should (give him what we're eating, and don't make something special for him) but the kid doesn't like anything.  No chicken, no beef, no soup, very limited vegetables.  What he does like?  Nutri-Grain bars, yogurt, crackers, bread, most fruit...but anything can change at any given moment.  Hit or miss things are broccoli, cucumber, cheese, tomato...and a variety of other things.

This summer has been fun with lots of swimming at Grammy & Grampy's, playing with cousins, learning to swing a bat, playing in the backyard, and just plain having fun.  Oh yeah, JJ has something else he loves to play with now:

Yes, he loves the iPhone.  In particular, the PBS Kids app.  Who wouldn't love watching SuperWhy at any time of the day or night?!

That there is a boy that needs a haircut!













And somebody needs to start taking picture of Mommy with the boy!

..cutie..

The time has come. 

JJ does some pretty cute stuff now-a-days.  Lots of it I think it probably only cute to me in that "he's-my-kid-so-every-move-he-makes-is-cute" kind of way.  And I know everyone says their kid is the cutest, and everyone says that everyone says it...but you don't understand.  It's really true in our case.

So I've decided to start writing some of the cute things JJ does for 3 reasons: So I won't forget; Because he really is the cutest thing ever; And...oh yeah, he's adorable.

Tonight I was running out to grab some McDonalds for dinner.  I grabbed my wallet, phone and keys.  JJ saw what I had in my hands and he left the kitchen headed for the living room.  I didn't know what he was doing, but I thought he might want to come with me (and I was hoping for a fast trip) so I hurried out the door.  Right as I was closing the door behind me I saw him reappear in the kitchen carrying my purse.  He knew I needed it if I was leaving the house!  !!!  I had to open the door back up and give him a big kiss because he's so smart and oh-so-cute!!

Whenever JJ sees something he wants (usually food!) he stands there signing "please" until he gets it!  So cute!  He did it in the grocery store today too!  (He did not get what he was asking for - haha!)

JJ knows what to do with an iPhone now.  He pushes the button to make the screen come on, and tries to swipe his finger across.  It is so cute!

July 2012

..this face..

When I see this face...

I can't help but remember...

That God always keeps his promises.



"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4

.other shoes.

After experiencing a few days of horrible, no good, awful (physical) pain, I've come to a conclusion.  I've actually come to this conclusion before.  More than once.  Like whenever I reflect on difficult times in my life.  Or when someone else's trials become known to me.  Or when I hear Otis Redding suggesting that a little tenderness just might be the antidote.

What conclusion do I come to, you ask?  I think it can all be wrapped up in one word.  Actually, there are a few words.  But the one that keeps coming to my mind recently is compassion. 

Compassion.  I think it should be my year word.  Ya' know, the one I want to focus on for the year. 

So I'm a little late.  I'm sure you're already aware of what a procrastinator I am.

I guess grace would be a good word too, now that I think about it. 

My main point I guess is that age-old saying about walking a mile in someone elses' shoes.  You don't know by looking at someone what they're going through.  True, there are those who wear their emotions on their sleeves, and love to let you know just how miserable their life is.  But think of all those you pass each day.  Those people you work with.  The cashiers you come in contact with.  Fellow shoppers, drivers, restaurant-goers or even family members.  So many carry silent pain, whether physical, emotional, whatever. 

So instead of honking at that driver who didn't go right away when the light turned green, maybe take the time to realize that she couldn't see the light turn through her tears.  Instead of being frustrated that your neighbor still hasn't mowed his lawn, consider doing it for him.  Instead of swearing at that person who just cut you off, think about the fact that she could be rushing to the hospital to be at the bedside of someone she loves.  When that older person takes forever counting out change for the cashier at WalMart, take the time to consider that the conversation taking place could be the only one that older person will have all day.

I know there are jerks out there.  People who drive crazy just because.  Annoying folks who just talk your ear off.  But what does it hurt you to just have a little compassion?  What does it cost you?  Nothing.  And someday, somewhere, someone will offer you that compassion.  Thinking about others before yourself is kind of the way life is supposed to work.  So give a little grace to those around you, and always remind yourself that you don't know what burdens another person may be carrying.  Your compassion could be the only thing they need to make it through the day.