Not Yet

I was going to attempt a 'thankful' post. I did one last year, around the same time. Remember? Not easy then, not easy now. And I've decided I'm not quite ready to write one yet anyway.

I don't know what the stages of grief are. I'm not sure the order, or if the order even matters. I do know that the feelings of sadness, anger and disbelief I feel are all normal.

The other night, I was tired. I'd done too much that day, went too many places and didn't have any rest. As I was waiting for John to come home from a fire investigation, I finally sat down on the couch and was struggling to hold back the tears. My body was hurting and my heart was hurting. Then I realized, why am I trying not to cry? I need to cry. Sometimes crying it out is the only thing that helps. So I cried.

I know I have lots to be thankful for. And I know it's good to 'focus on the positive' and 'find the silver lining.' But right now, it's too hard. So this is not my thankful post. I'm sure I'll be doing one soon. But not yet.