Death

Death is a loss unlike any other.

It's not a "door closed, window open" kind of thing. There's no silver lining ahead. Life is not going to offer something better because we've lost Dave.

Houses can be rebuilt. New jobs can be acquired. A lousy break up can ultimately lead you to someone better.

But there's no new brother that will magically appear and fill the spot that is now permanently empty in my family. There's no bright side for parents who have lost their only son. How does a wife face a future without her soulmate?  And there's nothing good to be said about 2 boys who will barely even remember their Daddy.

My brother was 35. Only 2 years older than me. He'd done so much already, but still had so much more to do. I don't think I'll ever understand.

My big brother

 

 

This picture was taken before my wedding ceremony.  Dave played and sang for us, "The Other Side of Me."  The song is definitely made for a husband and wife, but there are parts that I know apply to how I feel right now, as well as the rest of my family:

 

"I have know the emptiness

of feeling out of touch

And living life without you here

would be living half as much

Cause I've a need that only you can fill."

 

My brother was, hands-down, the funniest person ever.  Everything was fun if Dave was there.  He was always telling a joke, or a funny work story.  He loved to make fun of his sisters, and we loved being the subject of his joking around! 

 

There will be a constant hole in our family. 

 

There will always be a "what could have been..." feeling in my heart.

 

I know that my brother is in heaven.  He believed that Jesus died for him.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  Our family reunion will be in heaven.  But it still hurts so much.

 

There are many times that this still feels unreal to me.  I see a picture of Dave and think, there's no way he's not really here.  It's just so hard to fathom that he's really gone, and gone forever.  No more tomorrows here on earth. 

 

So now we pick up the pieces and we try to carry on.

 

And we continue to believe that God is good, even when life is so unbearably hard.

 





1978-2013

My brother and my son, playing the guitar together.

 

 

On Monday, December 16, 2013, my brother was in an accident while working as a State Trooper on the NYS Thruway. 

 

He died the next day due to his injuries.

 

I have a lot I want to say about it.  Many things floating around in my head.  But I can't really get them out right now.

 

So for now, this is it.  I still have a hard time believing it's real.

mishmash

• sometimes September feels quite a bit like January to me...a fresh start, new goals, exciting ideas to tackle...I suppose this comes from working a job with a September-August calendar.
• potty training...isn't happening yet.  the potty and underwear have been purchased.  somebody needs to get on the ball.  *cough*JJ*cough*
• grace.  given to me.  how can I not then turn and give it myself?
• sometimes rising early is worth it for the quiet and peace.
• positivity breeds positivity.  and I love positivity.
• sometimes it scares me to think of the world my child is growing up in.  when I feel that way, I stop and pray.  I pray that he will be kind.  that he will be good.  and that he will always put Jesus first.
• cicadas are gross and I'm glad they hide for 17 years.  and they can continue to live while missing most of their body.  don't ask me how I know this.
• the end.

photo of the summer!

where did this big boy come from?!?

.time for bed.

This is the part where I say, Wow, what a bad blogger I am!  I can't believe it's been 6 months since I last posted!  Now I'm turning over a new leaf, yada, yada, yada...)

Best time of day for me?  Reading to and rocking with JJ before bed.  Especially lately - he's turned into quite the little snuggler!  There are a few books we vary between, but almost always in the mix is Time for Bed.

(I'm trying to add a link here but it's not working.  Boo.)

Hey!  There it is!  Affiliate link, ya'll.  My first one.

 

Anyway, this book, always in the line up.  Very simple - each page is a different animal, a Mom and Baby, talking about how it's time for bed.  ("It's time for bed little mouse little mouse, darkness is falling all over the house.")

 

He's always liked the book, points out the moon, the stars, makes the animals noises.  But lately he's started doing the cutest thing.  When we turn each page he quickly points to the bigger of the 2 animals and says, "Mama!"  I say, "Yes, that's the Mama (insert animal here)."  He then quickly points to the smaller animal and says, "JJ!"  I then say, "Yes, that's the JJ!"  It is too adorable and something I never want to forget.  I also never want to forget the way he turns around on my lap when book time is over and snuggles in for some rocking time.  Sometimes I sing, sometimes it's quiet, sometimes I talk about what we did that day.  Special times. 

warranty

Just had to buy a new hair straightener.  I swear, I buy one at least every year.  This time, one side stopped heating up.  Come to find out, that really makes a difference in how well it straightens hair.  Who knew?  Anyway, this time I paid $5 to get the extended warranty which lasts 2 years.  I figure if I buy it, I probably won't have to use it.  But it's there if I need it!

 

I'm about to eat some deep-fried mozzarella sticks for lunch.  There's one New Year's resolution out the window.  I might follow that up with some frozen Heath bars.  I'm also not jumping into my upstairs cleaning like I wanted to.  Resolution number 2, not going as I had anticipated!  Maybe I'll be in the mood after the junk food.

 

JJ's in bed with a fever.  Hoping it's short-lived. 

 

Got a car wash today.  The car looks great.  Found out JJ doesn't like car washes so much.

 

Ahh, I smell the grease calling.  Happy Friday.

 

 

Chicken Bacon YUM!

I should have taken a picture.

 

But it was too yummy to pause for even a moment. 

 

I found the general idea here and just tweaked it a bit for quantity, mostly.  And my picky hubby.  Here's what to do:

 

Fry up about 6 slices of bacon.  Or 10 if you feel like snacking.  Once the bacon is done, remove it from the pan and dump out the grease.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT wipe or wash out the pan.  Just don't.

 

Into the bacon-y pan add 1 tablespoon of butter and 1 tablespoon of olive oil.  Place 3 chicken breasts in there and cook on both sides until done.  Remove them from the pan and place them in an ungreased baking dish. 

 

Into the bacon-y and now chicken-y pan (you haven't removed anything after the chicken, right?!) add 1/4 of an onion, grated and about 1 and a half teaspoons of garlic...2 cloves?  I was working from a jar.  Cook the onion and garlic a few minutes then crumble in the bacon strips. 

 

Spoon the bacon/onion/garlic mixture onto each of the chicken breasts, then sprinkle with cheddar cheese.  Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes.

 

Your taste buds will thank you!