Out with the old...

And in with the new!

Don't I have the best husband ever?!

What a difference a year makes?

Unfortunately, a year ago, as I sat on my couch blogging on Mother's Day, I never imagined that I'd be in pretty much the same place this year.  Not the same place on the couch...although I'm pretty sure I am in the same place on the couch.  Baby-wise, a year doesn't seem to have made any difference at all.  But at the same time, it seems to have made all the difference in the world.  I'll try to explain.

A year ago, I should have been 7 months pregnant.

This year, I should have a 10 month old and be 8 months pregnant.

A year ago I would have said there was no way I could go through the loss of another baby.

This year I know, though at the time I thought it might kill me, I really can get through anything.  With my faith, family and friends by my side, hope can survive.

A year ago, I think I was more bitter. 

This year, while still extremely sad, I'd like to think I've come a long way.  I have my moments of doubt and hopelessness.  But God has been good to me, and I'm trying very hard to focus on the blessings.

A year ago, I was aching for a baby.

This year, I still am.

Some things don't change.

As I take time today to focus on my loss, I'm also thinking of other women who have faced loss that will make today very difficult.  Women who have lost babies, yes, but also women that have lost their mothers.  I am so blessed to have my Mom with me (well, on a cruise actually, but you know what I mean) for Mother's Day.  I am so blessed to be able to spend Mother's Day with my wonderful Mother-in-law.  Amid the loss I feel, I know I am truly blessed in so many ways.

Vodka Sauce

Tonight I made one of my favorite quick and easy meals.  And was reminded that I've never blogged about it!  So here's the recipe!

First, put on a big pot of water to boil a pound of pasta.

In a medium sauce pan, melt 2 Tablespoons of butter.  Add to that about 3 (or so) cloves of minced garlic.  I usually use my garlic press for this.  It's about the only time I use my garlic press!  Once that's cooked a few minutes, add in 2/3 cup of vodka.  Let it boil away about 4 or 5 minutes.  Then add 3 cups of tomato sauce.  Usually I add about 1 cup of heavy whipping cream, but then I keep adding more cream.  Tonight, when all was said and done, I added 2 cups of heavy cream.  I like it creamy.  :)

Just heat to boiling, then add to the pasta!  It will make a lot more sauce than you need for one pound of pasta, so save it for next time!  You can even freeze it.

My next recipe I post will be Manicotti!  Hopefully with pictures!

The Circle of Life

This afternoon I was pushing kids on swings, when I saw a teacher from another class waving me over.  She pointed where a couple of my kids were standing and said she thought there was something there, maybe a bird. 

I jogged over, and in my mind I was picturing a big, nasty, dead bird.

Unfortunately, that is not what I saw.

On the ground, surrounded by 2-year-olds pointing at it (but not touching it!), was a teeny tiny baby bird.  I looked up and realized there was a nest built into part of the window frame.  That poor baby bird had fallen about 30 feet I'd guess.  And the sad part was, he was still alive.

He had no feathers, just a bit of fuzz.  His wings were just tiny little arm-looking things.  And I could see him take each breath.  Every once in a while he would flail his legs and the kids, not understanding the inevitable outcome, thought that was hilarious.  He had a very noticably yellow mouth.  He opened it once.

Papa John was beckoned to come 'take care of' the baby bird.  It was very sad.  There was a bird sitting up on the roof for about 10 minutes just going, "Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet," constantly.  It was right by the nest, and I think it was the mother looking for her baby.  It made me even sadder.

I didn't tell the kids that the bird was going to die.  I just told them that Papa John was going to take care of the bird.  They probably think he's taking it home.  Poor bird.  I feel like we should have had a little ceremony for him or something. 

But I guess that's taking it a little too far.

Sunglasses

Today I bought a new pair of sunglasses.  They cost me $10 at Walmart.  Undoubtedly, I will break them soon.  But for now, I have sunglasses.

On my way home from work tonight, I may have been going slightly over the speed limit.  I usually do.  The longest road I take home has a 30mph speed limit.  I usually go...more than that.  Anyway, tonight was no different until I glanced down to the lower left side of my windshield.  Whoops.  My inspection is up.  *Slowly let off the accelerator*  Not a good time to get pulled over.  Hopefully that will be remedied (along with an oil change) on Thursday.

Tomorrow is John's birthday.  I'm working 7am-6pm and John's working 3pm-11pm.  :(  Sucks.  But I have his gifts (don't really know if he'll like them...) and we'll celebrate together Thursday.  I'm off, and he goes in at 3pm.  So after my oil change and inspection, we'll probably go to lunch.

Saw some guy screaming his head off at his kid tonight.  In Walmart.  Like, it literally startled me and I turned around to see what was going on.  It's like Walmart is a magnet for people who like to swear at their kids.

I accomplished a lot tonight.  Dishes, vacuuming, laundry, shopping.  More than a usual weekday night when I work.  I feel good.  :)  And now, even though it's only 9:30, I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

thoughts...

Wow, it is insanely hot in our house this morning.  Like...80 degrees hot.  I should have opened more windows last night.  I just opened them now.  But it's in the 70's outside, so I don't think the temperature in the house is gonna drop too much.

It's Monday.  My house got zero attention this weekend.  Saturday was full of preparations for John's birthday, then his party.  Sunday was busy with church, a tribute to Tyler at the Rotterdam Little League park and lots of yardwork!

Now I'm looking to the week ahead: lots of Mother's Day projects at work, softball tonight and hopefully getting caught up on laundry and housework. 

My lilacs are in bloom.  Lilacs are my favorite, but my bush doesn't have very many this year.  :(  I've been told they have good years and bad years.   I guess this is a bad year for mine.

The mulch we got smells like cedar and I can smell it with the windows open.  Ahhh....so nice.

I need a maid.

One of those Moments

Yesterday I was just minding my own business.  Driving to work on a Friday morning.  Thinking ahead to the project I was planning with the kids, and listening to KLove.  As I turned onto the road my work is on, this song started playing. 

Now, let me tell you, music is a very emotional thing for me.  Even before losing my babies, it always spoke to me.  Songs make me cry often.  Sometimes out of the blue.  Oftentimes at church I can't keep singing because I'm crying.  It happens, I expect it.  But usually it's because I've heard the song before, I know the words, and it hits me where it hurts.

But yesterday, this song started playing that I'd never heard before.  Within the first 2 lines my eyes started watering.  I was conciously aware of my makeup and the fact that my day had barely begun.  But I couldn't help it.  It was like the song was written for me.

I sat in my car in the parking lot until the song was over.  I didn't know the name of the song, or who the artist was.  The first thing I did when I got into work was go to the computer and check KLove's lastest songs played list.  I then searched for and printed out the lyrics.  Then I started my work day.

This is the song: Before the Morning.  Performed by Josh Wilson.  If you get a chance you can search online for the story behind the song.  Very powerful.  Please take a few minutes to listen to this song.  And if you're looking for KLove, it's 94.5 in our area.  You can find a station anywhere (or listen online) at http://www.klove.com/.