Just Because

Just because I don't have a baby in my arms, doesn't mean I'm not a Mommy. Just because I don't have a 7-month belly, it doesn't mean I'm not a Mommy. Just because my baby was taken to Heaven much, much too early, it doesn't mean I'm not a Mommy.

I'm truly grateful for all that I have. But today my pain is so fresh, it could have happened yesterday. All I can do is cry, and wish, and hope. But mostly cry.

"An Angel, in the Book of Life, wrote down my baby's birth
Then whispered as she closed the book, 'Too beautiful for earth.'"
~Unknown

I just came across this poem. Sometimes I'm just sad, and this is one of those times. I don't know who the author is.

Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry

'Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies

Please, try not to question God, Don't think he is unkind

Don't think He sent me to you, and then He changed his mind

You see, I am a special child, and I'm needed up above

I'm the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love

I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night

Find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light

You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane

That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows

That's me, I'll be there, planting a kiss on your nose

When you see a child playing, and your heart feels a little tug

That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug

So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't you cry

I'm in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies

List-Making

I may have issues. My first issue: procrastination. I am a horrible procrastinator. I will be thinking of something that I really need to do. But I won't do it. The items I put off include bill-paying, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, printing off pictures for my "Who's Here Today?" chart at work and grocery shopping. I don't know why I do this. Once I'm finally caught up on all the things I've put off, I think to myself, "Great! Now I can stay 'up' on everything from here on out!" Yeah, right.

Another issue I have: internet obsession. I could very easily get home from work, sit down on the couch with my laptop, and not get up till bedtime. Bear in mind, I'm also usually watching TV and talking to John. I'm such a multi-tasker. But I seriously would feel completely disconnected if I didn't have my computer. This isn't totally a bad thing. But it can become a bad thing if I let it take over. We're going on vacation in a week and I'm actually looking forward to being disconnected for a few days. :) Of course I'll be so glad to get back to my facebook and such.

Now my next issue I don't think is bad at all: list-making. This past weekend I made a huge list of all the household chores I needed to get done this weekend. Well Saturday night Adam, a friend of ours, picked up my list and basically laughed at me. Let me explain, this was quite the detailed list. Every single thing I had to do was on this list, very specifically. Let me also point out that almost every single thing was crossed off! There's such a sense of completion not only in finishing each task, but in crossing it off! I think my lists helps me not procrastinate. I'm actually about to start a new list...or 2. One for all the things I need to accomplish before we leave on vacation (most likely including the day on which I hope to do each thing) and the second for everything I need to pack. This second list will be broken down into where each item will be packed: checked bag, carry-on or purse.

So I have issues. Atleast I'm willing to admit it. Now I'm off to see Stine and Livy-Loo!

Looooong Night....March 23-24th!

Welcome Olivia Jean! (Sorry, I'm SO behind on my blogging!!) My little sister and her husband Shaun welcomed their first child, a beautiful little girl, on March 24th, 2009! I (along with the grandparents) was at the hospital alllll night, and had to call out of work in the morning. But it was so worth it!! I'm not going into huge detail here because it's not my labor and delivery to talk about. :) But Christine was a trooper through the long night, and I'm sure now she would say it was all worth it! Here's some pictures for your viewing pleasure:

More of our Weekend with the Boys!

Caleb & Zachary are really SUCH good kids. They slept well, we played alot, and they ate a lot, too! I didn't get pictures of everything we did, but I did get some! John was working when they first came over, so I took the boys outside to play! Zach was in his stroller and Caleb was in his ride-on car that I can push. I took turns pushing the boys around the yard, and they loved it! When I was pushing Caleb I would go fast and he would laugh and laugh, then Zoe would start running and jumping next to us and he would laugh even harder!! I put a blanket out on the ground and Caleb sat there for awhile playing with his cars.

Then it was naptime! Amy worked hard to get the boys schedules in sync. They both take an afternoon nap together! It was nice, because then I could get stuff done. :) It's a lot of work taking care of 2 boys!

Sunday we went to church together, the 4 of us! I was in the nursery with Zach a lot of the time, and John & Caleb sat in church. Caleb was so good! He just played quietly with his cars and had a snack! We got a Happy Meal for lunch, then the boys played for awhile. Then it was naptime again! And shortly after that Mommy & Daddy came back!

The weekend flew by for me...I was so busy, but it was so fun! I hope we can do it again sometime. Here are some more pictures from the weekend!

Weekend with the Boys!

A few weeks ago Dave & Amy took a quick trip to Florida to pick up a new mini-van. My parents watched the boys for a couple days, then it was our turn! I had SO much fun! Caleb and Zachary settled right in at our house and we had a great time! John had the great idea to show Caleb the firetrucks at Carman, so we took a little trip down there. Caleb LOVED it!

This is a picture of Caleb ringing the bell on the front of the firetruck. He laughed so hard!

Caleb got to sit in every firetruck, and he tried to push/turn all the knobs and everything!

This is a picture of Zach and I enjoying the firehouse! And Caleb & Zach sitting on the back of a firetruck: Caleb got to sit at Uncle John's desk and Uncle John gave him a duckie, an arm band and 2 pins.

Here's a few other shots from the firehouse that I really liked!

no words suffice

I know, I haven't blogged in half of forever. Or maybe it's more like a few weeks. I've been meaning to, really I have. But this past week has left me crying instead of talking or blogging. We got the news we were hoping we wouldn't get. Caleb was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, type 2. It's a genetic disorder/disease. You can google it if you want, I'm not giving the low-down blow-by-blow here. Reading it for myself left me feeling physically, spiritually and emotionally drained. I cried my way through webpages documenting symptoms and real-life stories.

Needless to say, I'm having a hard time with this. Our whole family is. There are some moments when all I can do is cry. Especially when I'm listening to music or looking at pictures. There are other moments when I feel better and find myself thinking positively about what the future could hold for Caleb, regardless of whether God chooses to heal him or not. One thing I'm having the most difficulty with is believing and accepting at the same time. I feel like if I accept that Caleb has SMA, and move forward in that thinking, I'm not believing God will heal him. But if I close my eyes to the diagnosis, and only focus on "God will heal him!" then I'm in denial, and what good will that do for Caleb?

This is the conclusion I've come to. We can only deal with what we've been given right now, this day. Today, the doctor's say Caleb's genetic code diagnoses him with SMA. I need to move forward with that, make myself knowledgable about it, sign petitions funding research, donate to charities whose goal is to find a cure. At the same time, I continue to lay Caleb before God everyday, begging for a miracle in his life. Whether that miracle comes through a miraculous, can't-be-explained healing, or through a cure being found in his lifetime. I have faith that God will heal his little, perfect body.

The following is an excerpt from a Chris Tomlin song I've been hearing alot on the radio lately. It almost always makes me cry. It amazes me that even though I have my really bad moments, I really do have a peace (most of the time!) and I can say, it is well. God is still God, Heaven is still my eternal home.

"There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul, I can say, it is well
Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won, He is risen from the dead
And I will rise when he calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings, before my God, fall on my knees
and rise....I will rise."

Please continue to pray with us for Caleb. My God is mighty to save...and if He can save a person from hell, doing a little genetic code-rearranging is nothing. :) Please pray for Dave and Amy as well. It's hard to imagine anyone experiencing this worse than I am...but I know they are. They're Mommy & Daddy, and I just can't imagine the pain they're dealing with. Thank you so much for your prayers. I'll post his carepage again in case anyone is interested in keeping up-to-date. www.carepages.com/carepages/calebmeansstrong